One on One with Mista Yu - Graham Robinson - Healing The Father Wound: How Missing Love In Childhood Affects Adults

A single moment can split a life in two: a father on TV wraps an arm around his son, and an adult breaks down, finally seeing the hole where love should have been. That’s the doorway we walk through as we explore childhood trauma, the “father wound,” and the honest, practical work of healing. Our guest shares a raw story of leaving home at thirteen to escape violence, only to stumble into more harm and, later, the chilling emptiness of a funeral without grief. The twist isn’t a plot; it’s a lineage. His father was unloved, handed off, and hardened. Understanding that history doesn’t excuse the damage, but it makes sense of the silence.

We unpack how emotional neglect often cuts deeper than bruises. Without affection and attunement, kids build their world in black and white: if my parents don’t love me, I’m unlovable. That belief shows up years later as rage at small noises, jealousy that suffocates partners, or people-pleasing that erases the self. We talk plainly about misconceptions—why “it was just discipline” misses the mark and why trauma can explain triggers without granting permission to harm others. Strong stance, too: hitting kids doesn’t heal. Lasting change starts where safety starts—love, presence, and clear boundaries.

Healing isn’t abstract here. We dig into tools and next steps and building support that makes belonging feel possible again. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s a steadier nervous system, better choices under stress, and relationships that don’t repeat old wounds. If you’ve ever felt alone in a crowded room, or armored up before someone could leave you, this conversation offers language, validation, and a path forward. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help others find their way to these stories and tools.

Transcript

Welcome And Live Stream Housekeeping

SPEAKER_01 0:21

I'm your host, Mr. Yu, in studio with us. Often, advocate for Childhood Commerce. William Robinson is in the house today. Hello, you sir. Good to see you.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Great. Good night, Mr. Yu. Nice to be with you too. Looking forward to chatting with you.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Same here, same here. We had a fantastic conversation. There's a lot to get into. I want to try to see if we can maximize the time we have together to get into it. Before we do that, if you guys are watching our show for the very first time and you're interested in seeing more of our episodes from the past, upper right hand corner of your screen, the QR code. You can grab that with your phone. So thanks again for watching and listening. We are, of course, going to be live on Facebook and YouTube. And of course, we'll also bring you into Instagram sometime within the next two hours or so. So thanks again for watching and listening. Definitely appreciate you. All right, so Graham, we talked talk a lot about childhood trauma. Somewhat of a touchy subject for me personally because of what I've been through. But what I understood from you is that you left home and school at age 13. Share a little bit about your early, your early life, share a little bit about that and the experience of the kind of future, man. Share about that.

Early Abuse And First Memories

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Yeah, sure. I mean, you you mentioned it, you know, um they talk about maybe 90% of kids have had some form of childhood abuse. And quite often it's not always physical or or even sexual, which is worse. It can be the emotional abuse is is um really tough and absent fathers and so on. So mine sort of um started when I was about five, and um uh I I stole a couple of little toy helicopters from a shop, and um uh it was playing we were out we're at a sea, uh we're at a saw me playing with him in the car. So he pulls over in this near this forest and he takes off his belt and he starts whipping me. And and that was the earliest moment that I I remember the physical abuse. But the interesting thing is as um, and and there were more more more of those events, and as I understood, as I started to learn about childhood trauma from my own childhood trauma, I began to understand where what happened to him as well. Um, and it it seemed whenever I embarrassed him or made him feel like he wasn't in control, that's when he took his anger out on me. Wow. And and that happened on on many occasions. But when I did the work on, started to do the work on myself, I found um that um the therapist I was working with, she took me back to a time when, and this is what I mean about the emotional trauma can sometimes be far deeper, and we don't know that it's happened. Um, when I was a kid, about five, six, I won this competition. Well, not one, I came third, in this competition at school for

The Deeper Cut Of Emotional Neglect

SPEAKER_00 3:24

drawing, and there was this big event in the hall to hand out the prizes, and all the other kids in front of me had their parents and family around them, and I was on my own, nobody turned up, and I didn't even want to go up on stage to accept, I was I was just terrified, um, and there was no one there. Um, and when we explored where my trauma really sat about my family, about my father, it was that incident that really buried deep inside me, and I thought, you know, all the physical beatings were what caused most of my trauma, but it was this lack of love, the lack of care that I felt that I had for my parents, and that's what happens from others. There's no, if you don't have the love from your parents, as as you may know, you start to feel shamed as a kid, and that shame builds into complete low self-worth. You don't think that you're worth anything because if your parents don't love you, who the hell else is gonna love you? You know, as far as you're concerned, it's black and white. When we say that as adults, we go, well, yeah, but as a child, remember, it's a very different thing. And so for me, my entire time in my parents' home was desperately trying to get his attention. And of course, as you can imagine, as a kid trying to get the attention of your adult uh father, you you play up, you do bad things, you you do anything to get the attention. That brought more beatings. Um, so it was a vicious circle, and that made me feel even less loved. So much of my young life was spent outside of the house. I'd go and play in the fields. I grew up in the UK, I grew we went to Africa, I lived there for a few years as a kid and went back to England and then to Australia. And even I felt safer, believe it or not, in the African bush. Now we were near a city, but I was still out in the bush than I did at home because everything I did or said at home caused this violent reaction, or at least that's how I saw it. And what happened was when I got to around the age of 13, we'd moved to Australia and we're living in a town called Darwin, which was at the very top end of Australia, small town, um, in those days. And I my education, I'd gone through about 10 schools, 10 different schools, and I was I was put in the what they called then the difficult boys class because I wasn't able to cope with the work. I just wasn't studying. And so I remember walking home, and

Leaving Home At Thirteen

SPEAKER_00 6:04

and in those days it was an end-of-year report card that you got about how you'd been, and and mine was shocking. I mean, the only thing I did any any good in was art. Everything else was D or D minus. And I'm walking, and I'm walking home and I'm I've got this card and I'm reading it, and I'm thinking that if I take this and give it to my parents, I'm gonna get beaten. You know, this is bad. And um, because they'd be embarrassed about again. I didn't know it was embarrassment, but that's what it would have done. And so I threw it away. And when I threw it away, I knew that I could no longer live with them because there was nothing I could do. And and so we we're talking 1970s, so there were a lot of jobs that sort of jobs that I could pick up. So a friend said I could go and work in an auto-electrician's and just do whatever. Um, and so I simply walked away. Um, I I I lived in the caravan, um, and nobody came after me. Nobody, nobody came came looking for me. Um, I heard later that you know the school had sent people to my parents' house, but nothing else happened. I continued to work in Darwin for about 12, 14 months before I left and went to a larger city, went to Sydney. But you know, the the interesting thing, and I don't know if it really related, but the person who offered me the job in the auto electricians, he would take me into the storeroom and he would whip me with these metal rods, and he would do it, yeah. And and so it it occurred to me as I was trying to understand my childhood trauma later on, whether we, as kids that are abused, others who abuse kids, and I'm not talking just sexually but physically or just in general, um, whether they can identify that inner kid. I mean, I don't know whether he just took advantage because he could, or whether he could see in me this sort of beaten-down kid, and he could do anything he wanted with me. But you know, I also I only lasted three months, which was probably lucky for me, and I wasn't a very good auto electrician. The first time I did any work on lights on a truck, I blew the light. So um, so I wasn't particularly good at it. But I then moved just moved into working in a laundry in a hospital, and I never lived under my parents' roof again. Um, and we never I never had a relationship with my father um that was of any

Abuse Repeats And Predators At Work

SPEAKER_00 8:35

um of any substance. And when when he passed away, I was at at the funeral, and my brother, who was also emotional more emotionally disturbed by my father, but he he was giving the eulogy, and I sat there listening to my brother, and I was completely empty and cold. I had no, and it feels terrible to say, but I had no emotion about him passing. I I had no connection to him whatsoever. Um, and I had nothing to give or or want from him anymore. And and so it was it was a very sad passing, and and very sad to know that you know that's how you felt. After I'd started to learn about my trauma, I found out that my father was given away um when he was two years old. His mother died in childbirth, and he was given away to an aunt with his sister, and she was very um very strict, really, really strict on them. And he was given no love. I we met family of his that we didn't know existed, and they said that he was just given no love. So, some of the understanding of where this comes from, this this pain in people, is from generations and generations where they haven't been given love, they don't know how to give love, and he didn't, he didn't know how to share emotionally. We never I he never put his arm around me. Um he never said he loved me. Um, I remember actually one time, and this is this it may not have been something that happens in the US, but in England, they used to put male hens, cocks, together in fighting rings and bet on them. Um, and I remember we we I wouldn't have been more than six because we we were just about to leave for for Africa. He drove into this farmyard and there was this big shed in in the field, and we walked in and there were all these men screaming at this pit that was in the middle of the field, and they were betting. Um, and I remember he left me standing there watching these two cocks fighting, and I'm a six-year-old boy, and he went off and he was betting. And and then, you know, when it was all over because they fight to the death, and it it's you know, it's pretty awful. Um, he he came back and we we left and never said a word, never said anything. Um, so it it just I don't think that he saw me as a child, his child. I don't think he saw me as anything. And so therefore, and others who have suffered the same absent father, um, it's the same thing. They their fathers, even though they live in

Funeral, Family History, And Generational Pain

SPEAKER_00 11:20

the same house, are not there for them. Um, and and it's it it just makes you feel that you're not wanted, that you don't belong, that you're not worthy. Um, and that creates a whole range of other traumas like trust and you're a controlling as you grow up as an adult. And that's the big issue. It it continues as an adult, doesn't stop when you turn 20, you have all these problems that you don't identify because you don't know you're traumatized as such. You know you've been beaten, yes, but you don't know what sort of trauma it's caused. And having simply, you know, my relationships, I would look for arguments with the women I was involved with because I I forced them to leave me before they abandoned me. I was doing that on a regular basis, didn't know why. Um, I I had extreme jealousy for a while and because I couldn't trust them. Um, in my mind, um, they would always do something that that um you know I needed to control. Uh I had anger that I'd go from one to ten in me instantly, if something, even noise next door to me. I I had this rage that I tried to control it. It was just really quite out of control at times. And all of these are elements of what happens because you're this little kid who um wasn't loved and and felt worthless, and therefore these traumas build and grow and and um you carry them into your adult life, and that's the sort of work that like like you do that I want to talk to adults about. You can't live with it and not do anything about it. You have to look at ways to heal, to do something with it. Definitely.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

We got time for a couple more questions, and we'll try to get some more in here while we can. Um having not having true parents in a household. I've been able to see the impact of that, not just in my own life, but even into my adulthood, even having daughters and grandchildren and great-grandchildren now. So I get a chance to see the impact of that played out, which is kind of strange to be in that seat. But also I see it in the lives of other people. Talk to me about what the father wound looks like, because I I've heard the term before, I've heard I've heard it in different situations. In your case, you had a father in the household and it was still a wound to speak of. The people who you may have met, who you may have counseled that didn't have fathers in the household, maybe their mother wasn't in the household, and they had a wound as a result of that lack of validation, that missing part of the connection. So, talk to us really briefly about what the father wound

Absent Fathers And Lasting Adult Patterns

SPEAKER_01 14:05

actually means. Help us with that.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

So it is, you you pretty much said it. It is having a father in the house that is absent is is as bad as having a completely absent father, and maybe even worse in some cases. So, what it is, it is an emotional wound where you are imagine you are desperately clawing up at say a cliff, trying to get to the top, which is you clawing, trying to get to your father, trying to have him say one kind word to you, have him show that he cares, and he doesn't, he he is just not there. Now I was taken care of food, other things, clothing, house, uh all of that. None of that mattered to me. I wanted him to touch me, to feel good with me, touch me properly, put an arm around me, show that he cared. He never did. So the father wound is is that deep trauma of not having your father love you. It's really love. The one thing when when I talk to anybody and they talk about their children, it's give them love. That's what they want. That's what everybody wants. Just love them. I mean, sure, you need to provide food and all of those things, but you will do that if you love them. It's it's the love, is the missing ingredient, and the father womb then leaves you, as I said before, feeling completely worthless. Um, and as a child, we look at things black and white, certainly young kids. So um, if he doesn't love me, then no one will love me. I'm not lovable. That's that's the conclusion, and that creates that shame, and that toxic shame living in a family where you're not loved is what develops, and that that's really the father wound is really about their absent, being absent and and not even being there though, but not showing you the love. It it is um, it just destroys a kid. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

There's some there's some there's a set there's there's a a sector of people, and I I mean it's I can be really delicate with when I say this. There's a sector of people who grew up, maybe they were mischievous, maybe they were not obedient to their parents, a lot of different things. Maybe they just wanted things that the parents couldn't give, so they took measures to try to manipulate the situations. There are young people who have done that in life. Help me kind of put it together because there's some always some people use the word child or the phrase childhood trauma, and they use that sometimes. Sometimes, no, not I'm not demeaning it, sometimes they use it as leverage as adults. I went through this, so this is why I do these things that I do. I'd love to hear your expert opinion

Defining The Father Wound

SPEAKER_01 16:47

on what are at least one or two misconceptions about childhood trauma. If you can describe that briefly for me, just one or two misconceptions about childhood trauma.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

Go ahead. One of the main misconceptions is that you didn't suffer childhood trauma because my father would would smack me or whatever. A lot of people say, well, that wasn't childhood trauma. Um, it it's childhood abuse, so it you will still have trauma from it. If you use childhood trauma as a reason to do certain things, and and you say, like, be abusive to your partner, um, and and so forth. I would I would actually argue that you probably do have childhood trauma, um, but you are using it as an excuse to do this work, which is which is inappropriate, which is wrong, to do this this violence. I mean, a lot of kids who who gather to gangs and who gather into large groups need that that's because they need the love and the care. I mean, they will they wouldn't call it love, but they need the group around them as having somebody that they can relate to and feel good with and and so on. And that that's their form of of sharing their love. So for somebody, um, yes, people and women will too. That when I've spoken at at events, women will come up to me and say that their husband or their partner is um is quite abusive towards them, and and he says that he had people abusive to him, and and that's why. And I said, Well, that's not correct, that's not why he should be doing that. That's not what the way, yes, you can have anger and you will have anger, so you've got to, if he's got genuine childhood abuse, he needs to do the work on it. And yes, people do use it as somewhat as an excuse. Um, but I would argue that most people have formed have had some form of childhood trauma. Um, it can be moderate, it can be mild, and kids are all different, they can deal with it differently. But yes, to argue that I'm doing this because I had childhood trauma, that's wrong. That that's not the way it works. You you what you

Misconceptions And “Using” Trauma

SPEAKER_00 19:00

do is you are triggered because you don't know the trauma is triggering you. So, you know, um, for me, for example, give you one quick example. My parents screamed at each other all the time. That's how they communicated in the house. One of my traumas was noise. So when I hear loud neighbors or I hear sudden noise, I feel all clenched and anxious. And and that's um, I'm getting over that. I understand why it happens now, but it still does happen, even though I know why. And so that that's what I mean about childhood trauma being genuine is when a trigger happens and you don't know why, and you feel bad, and and it does lead to and it can lead to violence. Um but to say I'm violent because I had childhood trauma is incorrect. Definitely, you know.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

I mean, yeah, yeah. I want to come back to where the trauma shows up for you, and people used to see that happen with both. question about your question about something real quick. When you mentioned about being uh physically abused by a parent, are you do you personally hope this is a uh too deep a question, but are you are you against what they call corporal punishment itself or are you against the way it was kind of manifested in your household or is there a difference? Talk to me about that real quick.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

I'm against physically hitting children of any at any stage in any school in any time because it doesn't help heal. It it and now I mean I know there'll be lots of people who will say well what else do you do? And I understand that a troubled teenager or a troubled child might be difficult to talk to but you've got to find out where that trouble comes from in that child. It doesn't we we're not born troubled we're not born wanting to hate we're not born wanting to destroy we're we're born as beautiful little unique babies and we get changed as we grow up. And that change can start from day one like a parent can be like my parents would have screamed at each other

Corporal Punishment And Its Impact

SPEAKER_00 21:10

from the day I was born so that trauma was already inside me from the start I don't agree with striking um a child or or at an any stage as a form of punishment. There have to be better ways to do that. And I know people as I said will say well there's nothing else I can do and you know but it will not resolve the issue it'll just simply either bury it deeper or the child will will become sneakier or do things to avoid or it can the child can also as I said to you I did things to get my father's attention which ended up him hitting me um and um I did that because it was attention. I wanted his attention um I don't I don't know if we've got time but very quickly in when I was in a swimming pool um I um dove in and I hit my head on the side and the the water I and and so I started to sink to the bottom and I was dragged out my by my brother and a couple of other people and I was lying on and this was on a ship we were traveling to Africa I was lying on the um on the thing and and somebody said he should go to his cabin. So my father and mother took me to the cabin and my father whipped me with a wet towel for nearly drowning. So so you know um he just didn't know that that triggered in him the embarrassment of all these people seeing what um I did and that embarrassed him. That was his response so you can imagine as a child um you don't you you'll try to avoid doing these these things but it digs an even deeper hole in you emotionally that you're not cared about so even smacking a child um if if that happens what has to happen afterwards is an explanation as to why that the parent has to go up and sit with them and say look I I smacked you because you did this you took that you hurt your sister you hurt your brother I love you but you can't do those things and I won't do this all the time or whatever. If you follow it up with something like that I believe you can you you know the trauma it won't be a a child who feels they're they're unloved and so on. So yeah if you're going to do that sort of thing you then have to show the love you you can't then walk away and just hit them and put them in a bedroom and let them cry themselves to sleep. You have to go in and show them you love them. Yeah they won't feel the love then that makes sense okay so real quick tell me some some ways that were you seeing the trauma show back up I think you mentioned one thing from a personal experience but did you talk to clients that you connect with where have you seen most commonly childhood trauma kind of show back up and resurface if you will

Common Adult Symptoms: Anger, Trust, Loneliness

SPEAKER_00 24:05

uh the the biggest issues are well anger is one of the major ones triggering anger but in trust we don't trust anyone so you don't trust your partners um the other area which is it it it's it's interesting that um you can have varying things happening all at the same time so you can also be what's known as a people pleaser so in other words um you will do anything to make people feel good about you so you will do you know you'll go to extremes to help them out you'll make yourself available you'll always be there even if you don't have the time or the energy you do it because you don't want people to feel that you're not any good or be unhappy with you. One of the greatest challenges we face because of childhood trauma is that we feel alone even when we're surrounded by friends or family we actually I remember standing in many parties it feeling like I don't belong here and this is I I feel alone I I said to my ex-wife when I left my marriage I don't belong I feel alone here and I didn't know why these are in times when I had no understanding of childhood trauma hadn't even heard the term to be quite honest. And it but it was true I just felt completely alone and that loneliness is what drives a lot of a lot of men to do some pretty ordinary things and and in some cases of course take their own lives so it it is something that that is probably the biggest problem that you may have from your childhood trauma you're left with this feeling of not that nobody wants you but that you don't belong in this world you don't belong anywhere that you feel alone that that that is one of the most difficult areas to overcome to to to can reconcile thank you for sharing that I want to ask you a few more questions I want to get through them as quick as we can because we're just about time I think these questions are valuable I want you to hear well hopefully from our audience and audience hear from you so first question how would your story transformed you and the work that you're doing today so I um I was sitting on the lounge one day watching television and I saw a father on TV put his arm around his son and I broke down sobbing. I lay on the floor and I really cried my heart out and I realized something was wrong. That's when the first arise awakening came once I started doing progression into doing some therapy um and and it was I did what's known as EFT or tapping which really helped and then I went to a a week retreat to do more work I really started to dig into what was happening and once I started to understand how bad my trauma was then I started to also realize how bad it is for other people and and so when I started

Awakening, EFT, And Purpose

SPEAKER_00 27:00

writing the books the books helped clarify some stuff and and get some stuff out of me but once I understood that I had this problem I just felt I felt it I felt good when I was talking to other men to help them. So I figured that that made me feel good that's what I should do and that that that's really the only reason I felt good about talking about it. How do you want to be remembered um that actually even made a difference to one person. If I can if I can help one person overcome uh their trauma and lead a better life like I I am so much better now than I was five seven years ago it was it's just a whole different thing if I could do that and and leave a legacy that my children are proud of um then that would that would make me very happy and and it um it doesn't have to be changing the world you know you can do it as that whole thing about the pebble in a pond it has rippling effect you change one person they can change someone else and the work you do you know you know what it's like you change a person um and they might change somebody else and so on and that's that's all I don't um I don't expect to have you know millions following me and and and and so forth it it's a matter of just hoping that I can touch a few people and and they make the change because it's a better life once you start out you just have to understand you have childhood trauma

Legacy, Pebbles, And Personal Change

SPEAKER_00 28:35

and look at the ways you act to then realize I've got to do something about it. I love that right on the screen for those that are watching today Graham's website we can learn more about his work and his mission graham RobinsonWellness.com Graham RobinsonWellness.com is on the screen it'll also be in the show notes if you can't watch me or listen to the show today I'll leave it up while we ask this final question to you Graham somebody listening has lived an experience that's kind of like yours and mine's what would you want them to know what'd you say to them today it's not their fault don't blame yourself that there's nothing wrong with you there was nothing wrong with you um you're still a beautiful soul and you should also I would I would implore you to do some work go there's lots of therapies out there there's lots of churches to go to and and as you as yourself pastors to talk to about this and get help um and do that don't don't put it off because it gets worse the older you get the more of this comes out in you the more the trauma leaks out it's like a balloon that's slowly leaking and it leaks more and more as you get older and so you won't be able to avoid some of these things and um you will have a better life you will be able to to interact

Final Advice And Resources

SPEAKER_00 30:05

with your family and and your friends in a very special way if you do some work.

SPEAKER_01 30:10

But remember it wasn't your fault and you're not to blame for what happened to you because others did it to you you have to but healing is your responsibility it's nobody else's you you have to take charge of that um and so I would implore people to go and and do that work wherever they go there's heaps of heaps of people that they can see there is absolutely man childhood trauma advocate and author of shattered innocence graham robinson's in the house you can find his work on his website Graham Robinson Gross Wellness dot com. Graham thank you thanks for being here brother fantastic thank you that's Graham I'm Mr. Yu Mrs Woman Woman Mr. Yu thanks again for watching and for listening